Wednesday, August 7, 2013


I realized something today.  Something about myself that took years to finally realize.  You're probably wondering what that is so I'll tell you. But first, a question; what do you think is often on the mind of a mid-twenty year old male in Utah?


So without further adieu let me delve into my personal epiphany.  

My dating escapades as of late (ok for nearly the past year..) have been less that admirable.  Since I moved up here I think I've been on a grand total of about 5 real dates.  But that's not the focus of this, just backstory.   I started trying new things recently.  For example, I crossed an item off my bucketlist and I kissed a complete stranger.  Didn't know her name, she didn't know mine.  Met her and bam, we kissed.  Neat right?  I recommend trying it.    I also met a girl that I had an instant connection with (don't worry, if you happen to read this I'm keeping it anonymous) but since the first night things drastically went downwards...  Much to my dismay.  So let me tell you about it!

If you've read any of my other posts from for-ages ago, I mentioned how I like to evaluate things and often myself in these situations.  Here goes. 

I read some forums on Reddit after the matter, pining for inspiration.  And then I found it.  I was on my phone and took a screen shot.  Can't seem to find it again on my computer... so I'll just write it out.  It has mild language, it's not my own, just what inspired me.  Sorry for the swears..

"Females love assholes because assholes know how to keep them in check.  Assholes know how to make a girl try harder than she has to, while nice guys would do more for the giving and the girl just receives.  Assholes know how to make a girl pay more attention than she usually does, while nice guys would spoil the girl with more attention than she can handle.  Assholes know how to make a girl miss them so much that it hurts. Nice guys cling on so much to the point where the girl wants to be away.  Assholes know how to keep a girl in love so deep that it feels impossible to leave while nice guys give the girl too much freedom that they're able to explore many other options"

Now then.  This plays into the age old adage that women love these grade-A douchers.  I'm not going to even touch on that.  My epiphany came when I examined how the "nice guy" treats the girl.  I couldn't care less what the a-holes do.  And let me tell you why the "nice guy" traits stuck out to me.  Or rather, let me show you.

This was a text from the girl I instantly had a connection with.  Once it clicked after I read that blurb from some rando off the internet I immediately thought, "shiiiii.....".   It all made sense.  She said this and I initially thought she was saying "I can tell you appreciate me by how you treat me" but instead what she was really saying was "you're suffocating me".  

See, the thing is I usually fall quickly.  Maybe too quickly.  In my mind if I like you and you like me, we should, and can, just make time and see each other and not worry about any other BS.  Nope.  Note to self, world does not equal my thought process.  I made myself quite available to try and accommodate her busy life right now.  She never had the opportunity to miss me.  I paid her all kinds of attention.  I gave all the time without expecting to receive.  Essentially, I did all the wrong things.  I'm not saying we men need to fit the mold every time.  But everything that it said there made me realize that I pushed her away by possibly appearing very needy and clingy.   Which if you know me, I'm not.  I've been alone for a few years now and a couple days/months isn't going to ruin my life.  But I realize now that I want someone to care about, and them to reciprocate those feelings.  With her I showed that too much, and right from the get go, I can see how that can be scary.  (in fact long ago there was a girl that treated me just like I treated this girl, and I can tell you I didn't like it at all.  Now I realize what a fool I've been doing the exact same thing...)  Either way.  I'm still learning, hopefully I always will be.  If you read this, I hope it inspired you in some way as well.  DON'T BE THAT GUY! Thanks for reading!  

BTW this girl helped me rekindle a love for a lot of my favorite old high school bands. (thank you ;) )  So here's one that fits!  Just for that ironic jab to maybe hit you in the feels if you've done the same thing I did.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Brovo is a weird place.  There are times I think I have some of it figured out and  then out of nowhere there are times that just throw me off and I'm lost all over again.  The culture here is still something I'm acclamating to.  Dudes don't shake hand to introduce themselves here.  Instead I'm greeted with a closed-fisted extension of their bulging, gilded extremeties.  Usually this is coupled with some verbage along the lines of "sup, bro?".  This greeting is somewhat lost on me and I'm forced to restrain myself from doing what Demetri Martin summed up in one of his standups -- Extend my open hand and close it over their fist and say "paper covers rock, b****".  Naturally, this would be a little socially off, but hey, so are they!

Next up, the fashion choices here.  I mean it's summer time fucryinoutloud!  I still see people walking around with their little nutsac beanies.  (my apologies to anyone out there like me with a vivid imagination that just pictured that...  but now that you have, you know precisely what I'm referring to).  It makes no sense.  You wear a beanie to keep your head warm, not dangle precariously off the back of your dome.  I know, I know, it's fashion right?  Well it's dumb.  and I hate it.  Just like the fake glasses.  It's come to the point that people take out the lenses in the 3D glasses and wear those.  REALLY??  To make matters worse other people congratulate these trendsetting twerps with nonsensical words like swag/swaggy/steez and any other literary abomination that makes my skin crawl.  Are we done with these trends yet?  I'm all for just ditching clothes unless they're needed anyway.. but that's irrelevant.  (I was born naked and plan to die naked)  I just don't see a point in buying something like clothes for it to serve no other purpose than to make you look like a delinquent.

Despite these setbacks, there is still a lot of good stuff up here too.  Like fish tacos at Rocco's on Tuesdays.  Motorcycle rides through the canyons.  Nicolitalia's pizza.  Hiking and the beautiful outdoors (on a good day not riddled with inversion).  Hokulia shave ice.  The pass of all passes.  And there plenty of good people to enjoy all these things with.  You just gotta find 'em!

Monday, February 4, 2013


Let's face it, Valentine's day is just around the corner and with it the ensuing love posts that will surely be flooding every social networking arena possible.  Some will undoubtedly be sad or depressing while others will probably be uplifting and insightful.  I'm not sure exactly where I'll be aiming with mine, but  judging solely by the thoughts currently running through my head I think I'm going to end up somewhere in between.  Title's in French because I'm trying to learn French right now.  Language of love.  Who knows, maybe it'll bring me some!

Let's start with Valentine's.  I think it's a crock.  In my eyes love isn't something that should be relegated to one single day.  Love is something you should celebrate every single day!  Especially considering the fact that I thought I had found love once; when I find it again I'm not going to let go.  Sure I'll make Valentine's special, but that's just because I want to make every day special for the person that makes my world shine.  Any who, I've never had a girlfriend on Valentine's day, and this one is shaping up to be no different.  Oh well, life goes on.

For whatever reason(s) it may be, love has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm not talking about the love between family members or close friends, not the plutonic kind or anything like that.  I'm talking about the love that exists between lovers.  The kind that made Ozzie Osbourne say he'd had sex with hundreds of women but only ever made love to one; his wife Sharon.  The kind that makes a goofy grin appear on your face for no good reason.  The reason Dr. Suess said it's better to stay awake because your real life is finally better than your dreams.  That's the kind of love I'm talking about.  That's the kind of love I want.

I could probably assume that one of the reasons affecting my thought process lately is the fact that another of my younger sisters is talking marriage with her boyfriend.  It's getting serious folks.  When I went home for Christmas there were only 2 of us 6 siblings that were single; myself and my at-the-time 12 year old sister.  Needless to say, it was slightly disconcerting.  I'm happy for them though, and just to reemphasize, nothing I say here is meant to elicit any sympathy.  Don't waste any time feeling bad for me, there's no need.  I don't feel bad for me, I'm merely informing you on my views, etc.  So as I was saying-- little sister, boyfriend, talking dates for marriage, Valentines around the corner, love is in the air.  You put the pieces together.  It's no wonder I'm currently thinking about the implications love could have on my life right now.

So what are some of the other reasons?  Well, I recently watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and boy did that have some insights and some scenes that freaking hit home.  Paul Rudd, frequent funny man in other films had a very paternal, intellectual and impressing role as Mr. Anderson, the 9th grade English teacher.  He had a particular line that I'm sure any of you that have seen the film are familiar with, "we accept the love we think we deserve".  The quintessential answer to most unrequited love stories, or practically any love story for that matter!  <random thought, bear with me> Now I don't mean to make any unfair jabs, but the question is almost always asked, "why do girls go for douchebag guys?".  Is that the answer?  That they think that's the only love they deserve?  I have no idea..  I'm no girl and I'm far from understanding any of them, but it certainly begs the question in and of itself.  </random thought -- for any of you html friends out there. for the rest of you the backslash is used to end any sequence in HTML coding, thus the end of my random thought>.  So then, what love do we deserve?  Probably a deeper question than I want to discuss with myself right now.  But I think it's definitely something we should think about on a regular basis.  And this we can apply to any kind of love, even the plutonic kind.
Next point from the film that not only got me thinking again, but really hit home.  !!IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH!!!   A disgusting plague that I came to know when I was 17.  Not due to any personal encounter of my own, however, sorry if that was misleading.  Instead it was the confession of my present girlfriend.  Her brother had molested her when she was younger and she was just starting to get past some of the issues it had pressed up on her.  Granted there were still things that had to be dealt with delicately, she was doing better.  After confiding my recent discovery in a very, very close friend, and I assume being deemed with having enough of a sound mind to understand more of the situation, I was told that she too was molested by her brother and about the resultant issues that arose from it.  I didn't know what to think.  People I loved and cared about were carrying such heavy burdens, even if it had happened in the past and even if it's been dealt with I was told that it was very hard to move on.  But I was assured it could be done.  It's hard to remember exactly how I felt.  A mix of awe at what this women had accomplished with her life, and sadness trying to fathom how life must have been for her, and what it would mean for my current girlfriend, and stirrings of anger that people were capable of such evil.  It was at this point my eyes slowly started opening to what REAL hardships there were in life.  I considered myself, and still do honestly, to be incredibly blessed.  My trials seemed and are still miniscule and pale in comparison.  Both of these women have gone on to accomplish great things, and so have others that I've come in contact with.  There too many people that I know and love that have had to deal with this issue, and thousands more out there that I don't know too.  It makes my heart ache, but I'm amazed still at what they are capable of.  They are truly amazing people.  I guess one of the most important lessons I learned from it all is that the past does not define us, no matter what it may hold.  It has shaped us, but it is not us, it's merely a part that will compel us to better futures.


Another aspect to this love fiasco is music.  I speak Spanish, so naturally I listen to Spanish music.  A band from Puerto Rico called Calle 13 is one I particularly like and they have a song called Muerte in Hawaii (which I'll link so you can listen to).  It's a little different from their usual stuff.  The chorus says "todo lo que hago lo hago por ti, es que tu me sacas lo mejor de mi" which translates to "every thing I do I do for you, it's because you bring out the best in me".  That's what love is all about, bringing out the best in each other.  Not completing each other, but complementing and accentuating each other to be our best selves.

Now then, how about some aspects of love.  The corresponding feelings and all that great stuff.  I remember a conversation I had with a good friend awhile back where we were talking about relationships and whatnot.  I have a pretty imaginative mind and so when he painted this picture I really connected with it.  He was talking about the first kiss with someone we really care about.  The kind where you're nervous before it happens because you know how stoked you are on her and hope she's just as stoked on you.  So you move in slowly because you don't wanna rush it and screw it all up, and when it happens it just seems like everything is right in the world.  That feeling is amazing.  That's the kind of feeling I want to have every time I kiss the person I love.

So here I am, in a sea of people I don't really know with all these crazy thoughts running around in my dome about love and all the crazy stuff that comes with it.  So rather than letting opportunities pass by idly sitting by, I'm going to try and seize them.  I'm only gonna meet people if I put myself out there, so I'll try.  Who knows what's going to happen, I'm not expecting anything great, but I'm excited for all the newness around me that I'm experiencing.  So there you have it, my Valentine's love post.  Take from it what you will.  I know what I need to do now.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


New Year's day today.  2012 was quite an eventful year.  Lot of things have changed for me from the routine I was used to.  I'm no longer in school; I graduated.  That's still settling in.  I won't be going back for awhile, but I think eventually I'm going to pursue a master's program.  Still undecided.

I left my beloved St. George though.  The place I've called home for the past 4 years.  I'm back where my Utah adventure started.  Provo.  Things have changed drastically since I moved here roughly 18 years ago.  Now it's known as Brovo.  Fitting.  I could fix just about any household problem with the smattering of tools to be found up here.  I also find it funny that girls have primarily been the ones to warn me about other girls up here.  Catty, childish tactics seem to be a good first line of defense..

Anywho, I landed a job up here since St. George is in a drought as far as career opportunities go.  Which is very sad to me, because I didn't really want to leave that wonderful place.  I'm excited for what's to come up here in the frozen wasteland.  I feel out of place, this really isn't my usual kind of scene, but I'm thinking I'll find my niche.  Hopefully sooner than later.  It's weird feeling out of place.  I was so settled in to the life I led in St. George.  Now it's all new.  No school, no clubs, only a handful of friends.

Needless to say, I'm kind of at a loss here.  I honestly don't really know what I'm going to do.  I mean I'm sure I'll manage, I always seem to.  I just found it ironic that I just so happened to move 3 days before New Year's.  Guess that old adage is right, "new year, new me".  Here goes nothing!