Saturday, October 6, 2012

Let's face it, I have no idea what I'm doing with this whole blogging thing..  but screw it, I'm jumping in head first on this little expedition.  I have a feeling tonight's going to take awhile.  If you didn't know, I'm starting this blog in efforts to not inundate people on Facebook with stuff they might not care about.  If you wanna read a blog, you do so on your own volition.  So read my blog, and gimme some feedback.  That's all I ask.  Anyway, a recent post of mine on Facebook got quite a bit of attention.  It was about relationships and the opposite sex and stuff.  There were some questions brought up and I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say.  Guess it's time I finish what I started.

Now then, I'm just going to write pretty much everything I can possibly think of on this matter in order to answer any question that have arisen or any more that may arise.  To start off let's establish my current view/standing on relationships.  A little about myself - I'm a 24 year old male, coming up on 25 real quick with eclectic tastes in many aspects of life.  I'm adventurous.  I'm a little over 5'8" weighing in at about 157lbs.  I like lots of stuff.  I like actually going on a date with a girl.  I've been in relationships with 3 girls in my life, and I've been single for over three years now.  Merriam-Webster: b: a romantic or passionate attachment. I'm going to say the 'relationships' I'm going to be writing about are the committed boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship, just for the sake of argument.  In our day and age, I think they are a joke.  I mean seriously, how many of your friends are in a serious, committed relationship?  I can't name a single friend right now that could definitively say "yes, I have a girl(boy)friend".  disclaimer: I'm speaking of my own experiences with girls and guys predominately at Dixie State College located in So. Utah.  Experiences have reached other locations as well, but I do not speak in regard to the entire female and male populace.  That being said, when I say 'girls' or 'guys' I do not mean ALL of them.  Anywho, courtship has been bastardized by this generation, and that bothers me.  Why?  Because it takes something as hard as dating and makes it even harder...  The 'me' generation focuses on itself.  We are selfish egotistical brats, and it sucks.  I constantly see things about people thinking they deserve better.  No you don't!  If you are happy and the other person is happy, you have EXACTLY what you deserve! HAPPINESS!!  WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! Ok, I admit, some relationships aren't like that.  And sometimes relationships really aren't happy.  And that sucks (to anyone that has ever been in an abusive or unsafe relationship, I truly am sorry for anything you suffered).  But if you are/were happy, what makes you think you need better?  Why when a relationship ends do mean things need to be said in order for people to feel better?  That's completely unnecessary and downright detrimental to dating... What you deserve is exactly what you are willing to give.  If all you do is take, take, take then you don't even deserve people's attention.  I hate the fact that people are all of a sudden 'deserving' of some prince charming just because Disney said so.  No.  If you want a prince charming/knight in shining armor/think you deserve any of that, then be a princess that would merit that kind of reward.  Same goes for guys.  Be your best self, worry about you.  Then get someone that complements the best in you.  I hope this is making sense.  It just seems people spend more time complaining about relationships than actually working on making one work.  I think that just perpetuates the problem, a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way.  I mean if you constantly think that girls are just going to screw you over (like I have in the past) then chances are they will (which ironically enough, they did.  go figure).  But I learned from my mistakes, I stopped saying bad things about girls (I narrowed it down to the ones in my past that I'm not so fond of.  Hey... I'm not perfect..) and tried instead to find ones that were actually worth my time and treat me right.  I'm a believer that people work in cycles.  Some times people just want a piece of action and other times they actually want to work towards a relationship and something more meaningful.  I wouldn't say I'm fit to give relationship advice or anything of the sort, I'm just sharing my experiences and thoughts.  I'll be the first to admit I've been through those phases.  I've kissed more girls than I'd like to admit and I can brush it off and say that I've just found the ones it hasn't worked out with.  But honestly, hooking up (btw for anyone out of Utah that just means making out one night stand sorta thing) isn't rewarding.  It's not fulfilling in any way.  It just gives the illusion that something is there that actually is not.  I've been on the other end of the spectrum as well.  I honestly loved a girl and she wound up breaking my heart.  sucks, right?  yep.  So let's explore some history, now shall we?
Love.  It's great isn't it?  I actually remember a poem from a book I read in Middle School that talked of love because it fascinated me so and I wanted to one day understand it better.  I think I get it now.
"the ways of love are strange and hard,
the love we want is always barred.
the love we have we want to change.
the ways of love are hard and strange"
Funny though, a lot of people say love sucks.  I totally disagree.  Love changes everything.  It puts that stupid little smile on your face you can't wipe off, and it always happens at the most random times.  It makes the sun shine brighter.  It makes all the sucky things in life not seem so bad any more.  I love love, and I can't wait until I find it again.  I thought I had it once.  I was dating this girl years ago and one day we started talking about marriage.  Crazy.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  Obviously, marriage didn't work out.  Reader's Digest version of my story; she went home for a break and wound up cheating on me, I found out cuz her friend sent her a text while I was playing on her phone.  She had an iPhone, I was playing games.  Not like I was creepin through her phone.  Anyway, text basically said "when are you going to tell Gabe about dating other people?"  Boy did that one hit me hard.  Right in the feels...  obviously a long talk ensued, and she broke it off.  Told me she had a missionary coming home in a couple months too that she really cared about.  It was horrid.  I cried.  And for those of you that know me, you know I'm not an emotional fellow, it was a big deal to me.  She made me feel like I was absolutely nothing.  That I was just there to fill a space.  That I wasn't important.  Like I was just a back up plan and wasn't even good enough to know the truth.  (back story to this back story; I was also the missionary being waited for at one time.  23 months it lasted.  then she ended up dating the guy that introduced us.  yay.)  I was heart broken for over a year.  This is turning into not Reader's Digest version.  Needless to say, I was incredibly bitter.  Back to back humongous let downs.  After that year passed girls feelings took a back seat for me.  I could care less what they wanted.  I realized later that I was only doing what had been done to me.  Get back games never work...  it didn't make me feel better.  sure it placated me for a time, but I probably hurt girls feelings  and just continued the problem.  and for that I am sorry.  There was still good that came from those relationships, and I'm grateful for the good times that were had.  But I've learned a lot since I started dating, things that have taken me years to understand.  Heck I'm still learning.  One of the most important things I think I learned in the past few years is why some of my relationships haven't worked.  In the LDS faith we are taught that as a man and a woman grow closer to God they will naturally grow closer together is well.  I don't think I've once made that a primary focus in my relationships.. still working on it.  I've done a lot of growing up.  I still have more to do I'm sure, but the things I've learned have made me realize that I need someone who has also had some dating experience.  Sorry, but 18-19 year old chicks fresh out of high school just don't cut it.  you're immature.  don't be mad and argue.  It's a fact.  you just are.  date around, grow up a little bit, and you'll see.  Everyone does.  It's late and I honestly don't have any idea why I just shared that whole story, but I did.  I guess it's to try and help you see where I am coming from, maybe even an empathetic outreach to others as well.  Either way, that's part of my story.  Now on to another portion.
I have been told by girls that I'm a fun guy.  That they love my company.  That I have such great ideas blah blah blah etc etc etc.  Basically, that I am such a great friend.  Guess what?  I hate that now.  Wanna know why?  Because being just friends with girls sucks.  I don't want any more friends that are girls.  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh to you, but I'll tell you why I think that way now.  It is because when I am just a friend with a girl, I then take on all of the responsibilities and duties that a boyfriend would otherwise have, but I get nothing in return except a text that says.  "I love you so much, you're so much fun to be around" and then, wait for it, THERE IT IS! "you're such a great friend".  Bam, right in the feels again.  I hate feeling used, and quite frankly when I'm just a friend to a girl that's how I feel.  I've planned game nights, movie nights, camping trips, made dinner, helped people move, helped with homework, had long talks and listened to them complain and vent, and the list goes on.  Sure there might be the occasional cuddle during a movie, but that's pretty much where the line is drawn.  But what do I get in return?  Nada.  I'd love to have a girl text me and say, "hey come over, I made you dinner" or an invite to a game night or something. I'm not saying they have never happened, but the ratio is definitely unbalanced.  What pisses me off even more is that if it isn't me, they can easily get the attention from someone else.  There are so many guys willing to do it that it honestly doesn't even matter if I make an effort.  It's just going to be wasted on the sea of men vying and pining for their attention.  So I'm done with it.  I have effectively stopped inviting girls to hang out.  I'm sorry if that comes off as a dick move to anyone, but like I said, I hate feeling used.  If I made the effort to text or call a girl to invite her to something and she doesn't even have the decency to respond then why should I make any effort at all.  When I was constantly making an effort and they put in none, it really made me upset.  Even friendship should be a two-way street.  If we are only friends why couldn't you text me first some time?!  But I digress.
I stated earlier that that I'm no longer inviting girls to hang out amongst friends.  There's another reason for that.  On countless occasions this summer I witnessed different girls being brought to our summer festivities.  I'm not gonna lie, we brought some very attractive women around.  St. George has some beautiful girls.  That's right, you're all gorgeous.  So needless to say they caught the eyes of other guys there.  We deemed it a 'swoop' when another guy would come in and try and sweep up the girl.  It happened without fail, every time a new girl was brought around she got hit on by everyone.  It kinda sucked if you were interested in her because other guys would leave with her number and inevitably take her on a date.  So now this girl is going on dates with all these guys in the group and it creates a very weird dynamic.  It often times lead to me, and others, thinking "well crap, I never even got a chance with her because everyone else wanted one too." in retrospect perhaps I was just too passive in the whole ordeal... disclaimer: I think girls have every right to go on these dates and test the waters with the different guys.  don't misinterpret what I'm saying here.  just wishing it was slightly different.  Now that said girl has gone on dates with all these guys that are all friends it seems that it's easier to just be friends with everyone.  Rather than upsetting any of them it's easier to friend-zone them all. And low and behold a new 'friend' has been inducted into our group for awhile.  Either that or she'd bounce around and hook up with a couple of us over time.  That happened too.  also weird.   So in reading all that, plus my outlook on friendship now, perhaps you see what I'm getting at -
Which is what I want now:
for relationships to work well people need to stop playing the victim.  Everyone gets hurt.  that's invariably true because relationships take work, but they don't always work out.  Sometimes feelings just don't mesh with what we had imagined, and that means we gotta pack up and move on.  It's hard, I know.  Believe me I've been there more than I've wanted.  But everyone gets hurt sometime.  don't let it make you resentful.  let it fuel you to be a better person.  what's the point of being in a relationship if you're not going to be fully invested?!  put yourself into it for crying out loud!! stop making people prove them self to you.   Who do you think you are, so deserving of someone's affection?!  c'mon people..  Moulin Rouge - the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.  that's what I want.. just to love and be loved.  I'm tired of feeling like a back up plan.  I'm tired of feeling used and taken advantage of.  I'm tired of fixing broken girls only to be kicked to the side.  I just want to feel wanted.  I don't want to have to pass through some gauntlet to prove to some girl that I'm worthy of her time.  What about my time?...  what about the fact that I've been hurt and I'm leery as well?  some one has to take that leap of faith though.  I'm trying.  I'm going on dates, trying to get to know girls and see if there is any reason to keep getting to know them.   See if there is any point in continuing spending time and attention on them.  To see if there is any reason in putting all this effort into what one day may turn into a stable, working relationship where the two of us try together to make each other better.   Like I said, I just want to know that there is someone that makes me feel wanted and loved - a nice, stable, working relationship...   when I sat down to write this I wasn't sure what I'd come up with.  I'm still not entirely sure what this is.  But it is what it is.  There are probably things I wanted to say that I didn't and I know there are things I wasn't planning on saying that I did anyway...  It almost seems more like a journal entry.  A freaking huge journal entry!  but I hope you enjoyed the read and learned something from it as well.

1 comment:

  1. wow! for a first time blog entry, my jaw literally dropped. you're a phenomenal writer and I literally could read this blog post for another hour if i really could. i completely agree every single sentence in this post (especially the last paragraph). is it weird to say i feel like i just read my life through your story?? either that, or you can write to adapt to anyone's situation. i am truly sorry what has happened in the past and i am crossing my fingers luck comes your way soon (as with all of us single "losers") love you gabe!